Growing Up Hairy

“The Drag Queen and the Dwarf” by Coco Warbucks The Greatest Joy in life for me is having a child. Being a mother has made me feel a love that I have never felt before. The high of raising my four year old daughter is better to me than the Christmas morning Santa brought me the Barbie Dream House. I had no idea however that would be the last dream house I’d be receiving, as of now anyway. The feeling of being a mom is (sigh) enlightening. The feeling of being a SINGLE mom is fucking frightening. Especially when you have been a stay at home mom for 3 years. I never imaged while I was playing with my Barbie Dream House all those years ago and dreaming of being Barbie, that Ken would develop a bad case of OCD and never want to leave the house and when he did, it was to hump Barbie's Hawaiian friend Lelani. NO I certainly wasn't prepared for my husband's penis to become the enemy and the reason I found myself working for a Drag Queen Chef. The night I found out my hu...

“The Werewolf and the Gyno” By Coco Warbucks I started sleeping with this new guy. I had been seeing for about 2 months. The sex was dynamite except for one thing, his penis was bent to the left. I nicknamed him “Captain Hook”. Apparently upon insertion it created a weird angle and my ummmm “area” became irritated. I made myself an appointment at the good old Gynecologist to see if anything else was Eschew, besides my new lover’s member. The night before my doctors appointment I had a dinner date with my dad. He is a tiny Italian man, 5’5, white hair, salt and pepper mustache, and sparkly eyes like Santa Claus. My Dad is a very unique man. Most would say he walks to the beat of his own Doo Wop tune. He has a nickname for everyone and is obsessed with buying things in bulk. For Example if you tell him you like the movie Fatso he will buy you 10 copies, just so you have them. He also “decorates” his New York studio apartment for every holiday, Christmas, Halloween, Tha...

SO it is a new year, 2013!! 13 is my lucky number so this has got to be my year right? I mean last year I found out that I had a large tumor growing from my side that twitched like Woody Allen and had a secret obsession with horses who liked to knit. It almost suffucated me, it almost convinced me to change my name to faithless and use coffee filters instead of toilet paper. Oh wait a minute that wasn't a tumor it was my ex husband.... No but really now that I got that little dig out of the way I can honestly say we are best friends now. Now that I can accept him for the souless, selfish bastard that he is we get along great! No but seriously he gave me a gift that is priceless which is my true soulmate, my daughter D and for that I am forever grateful. He did also give me ring worm, a tilted uterus and an an odd need to quote Hellen Keller . SO in 2013 I made a promise to myself to forgive and move on not only for myself but for my daughter's sake. I even agreed to...

Wigs and Pictures Since recently separating from my husband, I started seeing a therapist for the first time. She has me talking about all of my past serious love relationships, so we can figure out if there is some sort of pattern that I follow when picking a man. We were on my 3rd most serious relationship when I found myself sharing some very intimate details about our lovemaking. I’m not sure she was quite ready for what I was about to tell her, and I’m not sure Bongo Java is either, but this is how it went: Making Love to Kevin was like constantly being on a movie set. Of a porno. It was our 3rd Valentine’s Day together and my 143rd appearance as Barbara Streisand. Barbara was one of his favorite characters for me to portray. My funny Valentine was an indie filmmaker and he carried his love for fantasy over into the bedroom. He couldn’t quite distinguish the real world from the perfect world of lights, camera, action. Don’t get me wrong I loved his imagination. The chanc...

It was 1988, my hair resembled a small black poodle resting atop my heavily hairsprayed head, Jon Bon Jovi was my idol and all my girlfriends were having sex. With their boyfriends not with each other, not that there's anything wrong with that. There has been many a time since then that I have prayed to God to make me a lesbian but that's another story. My girlfriends who were only a year older than me were so free and comfortable with their bodies. At sleep overs they would all walk around naked trying on each other's clothes and looking at their boobs in the mirror. I on the other hand found it embarrassing to just remove my socks in front of them. Their bodies looked like beautifully chisseled sculptures made out of the finest clay. Mine looked like a pile of play dough that my little sister dropped on the floor and stepped on. This one particular friday night we were sleeping over my friend Kim's house she was the prettiest and had the most sexual experienc...

If you ever visited The Ground Round as a kid you may have found memories of the peanuts and popcorn served to you before dinner in baskets(as many free refills as you want) the very cool movie screens with cartoons and Abbott and Costello movies playing and the ice cream sundaes served in plastic baseball hats. OR you may even remember “Pay What you Weigh Tuesdays”. This is when children under the age of 12 wait in line to get weighed after which some young punk announces your weight over the microphone to the entire restaurant. Whatever you weigh that is what you pay. Now, not only did I grow up hairy I grew up loving food and I kind of resembled a very husky Mexican boy. I HATED going to The Ground Round and I certainly did not want to attend “Pay what you Fucking weigh TUESDAYS!” My sister,mother and father who were frickin tooth picks however LOVED the Gound Round. My dad in particular love to take us especially on Tuesdays!! Rather than let you read my painful recollection ple...