It was 1988, my hair resembled a small black poodle resting atop my heavily hairsprayed head, Jon Bon Jovi was my idol and all my girlfriends were having sex. With their boyfriends not with each other, not that there's anything wrong with that. There has been many a time since then that I have prayed to God to make me a lesbian but that's another story.
My girlfriends who were only a year older than me were so free and comfortable with their bodies. At sleep overs they would all walk around naked trying on each other's clothes and looking at their boobs in the mirror. I on the other hand found it embarrassing to just remove my socks in front of them. Their bodies looked like beautifully chisseled sculptures made out of the finest clay. Mine looked like a pile of play dough that my little sister dropped on the floor and stepped on.
This one particular friday night we were sleeping over my friend Kim's house she was the prettiest and had the most sexual experience. She had already let her boyfriend see her naked and she let him get to third base. As our sleepover ritual we would sit in a circle and tell our biggest secret of the week. Kim went first and told us that she had gone all the way with Brian. Carrie interrupted and said "Oh My God me and Eddie did it last night". There were only two of us left me and Christine. I started to sweat because rumor had already been around town that Christine gave her boyfriend a blow job in the local movie theater that wednesday night during Beetlejuice.
Christine let out a squeal and said "I gave John oral during the head shrinking scene in Beetlejuice"
As they all hugged and bonded I threw up in my mouth a little because I was not ready for this. I mean I just said goodbye to my imaginary friend Tico only a couple of years ago, this was all too much for me. I was always the chubby girl who had a ton of guy friends but only because they saw me as a buddy not as a hot peice of teenage ass.
However, ironically I was the one of us who had a boyfriend for the longest period of time. We started dating when I was 14 and I was now 16. Andy was my best friend and it somehow turned to heavy make outs and heavy petting and then going steady. BUT that is as far as I would go. Andy had recently given me an ankle bracelet. That was serious business in my part of the world, BROOKLYN, NY back in the 80's! If a guy gave you this gold and ruby crusted trinket that spelled out your names, Like mine did, Andy&COCO it was serious and it meant the "boy" wanted to take it to the next level.
I wore mine around my neck and I was furiously tugging at it when my girlfriends looked at me and said" You know Andy got you that ankle bracelet like 2 months ago and you guys haven't done it yet? I froze and instantly started to visulize "it". The only time I came close to a real sexual encounter was seeing pictures of it in my dad's porno stash that he kept under the sink in the bathroom. I was only 8 years old and I remember thinking "my vagina does not look like that dear God". My vagina still and never did look like the women in those magazines!! I was even more terrified of the male posing in the pictures with her, I thought "he is going to put that thing in there? How? "
"So what are you going to do" asked Kim? Then Christine chimed in "John told me that Andy said that he really wants to take it to the next level with you already and he is going to talk to you about it" Carrie ended it off with "yeah actually, Eddie is coming by here with Andy in a little bit so you guys can talk". "What?! Talk about what?!" I said "In front of everyone, my vagina and what or who is going down there is private business"!
Ten minutes later there was a knock on the door, it was Andy and Eddie. My girlfriends pushed me to the front door grabbed eddie and shoved me out onto the porch with Andy.
He sat down on the porch and pulled me on his lap. I was nervous but I did have great love for him and I felt safe with him. He was my first kiss and my first love. I broke the silence by jumping right in and saying, "So you are interested in doing it with me"? He laughed and said " Well If you want to, I don't mind trying it"
"How about Monday, it is a half day of school and no one will be home at my house until three" I said. He said "sounds good"
He kissed me goodbye and left with Eddie. I went back in the house and that is when my friends pounced on me for details. I told them the date was set for Monday right after school. Kim started clapping and saying" good we have time to fix you up and get you ready"!!
"What do you mean fix me up"? I said.
"Well first of all we need to see you naked to see what you are working with and what kind of underwear would be best" said Kim.
"NAKED"!!! "No thanks" " Oh come on we are your best friends if you are going to be a woman you have to be comfortable with your body"!! "I am, with my clothes on" I said.
"You have to be naked when you do it" said Christine. "What? I have to be completely naked"?!
"No I don't"! They ordered me to at least strip down to my underwear. "FINE"!!!
SO there I was in my plain white bra of 34b and striped cotton undies. "Okay, you look very cute like a little teddy bear, I don't think Andy cares that you have a little bit of a jelly belly" said Carrie, "because you have nice legs". "BUTT" said Kim. "BUtt what" I said NO I mean YOUR BUTT it is frickin hairy!!!"
"Okay fuck you guys"!!! (thats how teenage girls from BKLYN communicate it really means you hurt my feelings) "I am leaving" I said. "No, No" said Carrie we can fix it!! They convinced me to Nair my ass!!! So I went into the bathroom and put the Nair on.
"Is this supposed to stink so bad like this?!!" I asked. "Yes"!! You have to go through some pain to please your man sometimes" said Christine." It's only 15 minutes and then you will have a nice smooth ass", Carrie said.
I wound up having an allergic reaction to the fucking Nair! Yes the hair was gone on my cheeks but I know had big red welts on it and a V shaped hair patch on my back. I had spread the Nair only on the ass part neglecting the fact the hair patch also covered my lower back.
When I came out and looked in the mirror I was horrified. "How the hell am I going to be with Andy now"!!! He is going to run away screaming"!!
"You have until Monday it is only Friday you will be okay by then" my friends tried to reassure me. Kim gave me this black lacey underwear and bra to match. She told me it was from her mother's private drawer. UM GAG!!! I took it just to avoid any further "teachings" on how to be a woman.
The weekend went by and my newly hairless ass got better. I also shaved the V patch off, so that looked more human. It was Monday morning in Sex ed class and boy did I want to ask some questions!
Every time I passed Andy in the hallway he would give me that "look". He would wink at me and nod. A couple of times I thought of cutting myself on purpose in lab so I would have a way out of this.
At the end of the school day there was Andy waiting for me at the door of my history class.
There was no turning back now, we were about to make a little history of our own. The 8 block walk from Canarsie High School to my house was pretty silent. UNTIL, Andy pulled out some condoms and said "I got it covered".
Oh man I thought to myself that was going to be my excuse for not doing it, no condoms.
"He must REALLY want me bad", I thought! We finally got to my house and we silently walked into my bedroom. A room that I shared with my sister. On her side of the room was New Kids On the Block Posters on my side Cinderella,Poison,Motley Crue,Guns and Roses and of course Bon Jovi. I had a giant poster of Jon Bon Jovi on my ceiling over my bed, so I could look up at my future husband each night until the day we could be together.
We laid on my bed and kissed for like two minutes and all of a sudden he started taking his clothes off. I DID NOT KNOW WHERE TO LOOK!!! SO I focused on Jon, "Just keep your eyes on Jon and it will all be okay" I thought. BUT when I felt Andy's hot balls on my knee I had to look!!! There in front of me was a wirey bush of fleurescent orange pubic hair. I thought, "I know he has red hair on his head but why is it so much brighter around his penis"!!!!!
Speaking of PENIS!! Naturally after nearly being blinded by his day glo love garden, my eyes landed on his Member. "That is what a live penis looks like"?!! "What"?!! It was pale and low key. It resembled a wild mushroom that that you see randomly at your local park or near the gravestone of a beloved family member that has since passed.
I wanted to keep starring but he was making his way towards me and fast. He stopped when he got to the edge of the bed. I thought maybe he changed his mind but no, he was just awkwardly trying to open the condom wrapper with his teeth. All of this continued in total silence. I don't remember even making any eye contact. He finally got the condom on and it was green!! His whole package looked like a christmas tree threw up. Andy laid on top of me fully naked, I was fully clothed. I did have a short skirt on, which I courteously hiked up for him. He tried to make his entry but he forgot one thing I was still wearing underwear.
He nervously pulled them down, again we still had not said one word to eachother since we entered my house. I thought" shouldn't he say something to me"?! Like, "Don't worry baby I'll be gentle" OR "You're so beautiful, I bet Jon Bon Jovi would die to take my place". But no, nothing!! After numerous tries he finally got the meat in the taco. Andy was no longer Andy he was a weird moaning zombie boy who was slobbering and sweating his clearasil all over my face. After 3 thrusts he rolled off of me and laid there panting. I was ready to call 911. I thought he was having an asthma attack or something. Just as I was about to ask him if he was okay, HE opened his mouth to speak.....
Oh this is it he is definitely going to tell me he loves me. He looks me in the eyes and very seriously says... "Hey I think Heathcliff is on" I'm gonna turn on your tv."
I sat on my bed feeling lonely and very unsatisfied "I got welts on my ass for this"?!!! I thought! From that early moment on I decided to really learn about the art of making love. I have learned alot since that day like some penises don't remind me of low key mushrooms they can be quite lovely. I also learned it is totally okay and quite fun if you actually speak during sexual encounters. I have also learned to go get a Brazilian wax instead of damaging the skin on my ass with some cheap home hair removal shit. Yes my friends I have learned never to fake it, to ask for what you want in the bedroom or bathroom of a restaurant(whatever floats your boat)
I have truly COME a long way, no pun intended!
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